What a year!

Well, it’s been one year.

365 days.

One year ago today, I walked out of my doctor’s office scared, confused, and angry.  I had just been handed two difficult diagnoses, and felt so unsure of my next steps. 

I had walked in with high expectations.  I was starting a new job which meant a move.  I’d be moving away from the city and the house we owned to a new destination, a town about two hours away where I knew no one.  Things I was aware of:  1).  We would begin the grueling task of moving all our belongings – and for two packrats, that task is daunting!  And 2) I had landed a position in education that I wanted to pursue.  This move meant leaving my husband for several weeks and living on my own.  It meant leaving our support system and friends I’ve known all my life and been in close proximity to…. for the unknown.  I knew no one in my new town.  But I decided to take a chance and try out this new adventure.  It’s safe to say that everything in my life was in the process of changing.

I figured I’d get a regular checkup with my doctor before I moved away.  My new position was going to require a basic physical, so I figured I should get one done and see if those results could be transferred.  I’d done blood work a couple of weeks prior, and I knew some of my numbers were off, but no matter.  I just needed a clean bill of health and information on how to transfer my records.

My doctor walked in the tiny room with clipboard in hand.  

First off, I love my MD.  She is an awesome, smart professional who also isn’t afraid to get real with me.  She’s the first doctor I’d ever met who seemed 100% genuine and didn’t make me feel like a criminal for any shortcomings in my health.  I respect this woman.  We’ll call her Dr. Awesome Gal from now on.

So, of course the first words out of Dr. Awesome Gal’s mouth when she walked into the room were:

“Okay, you are diabetic.”

I’m sure I was stunned.  I mean, diabetes is prevalent in my family.  I am overweight.  But come ON.  Isn’t that something that people over 40 get?  Not me, right? 

Dr. Awesome Gal proceeded to tell me that she was going to start me on this and that medication, that my numbers were extremely high, and how did I feel about administering my own shots?  All this was taking place while the nurse (who is also an amazing professional) was taking more blood from me to test.

I was able to get out that I’d never given myself shots before, and I was wary.  Dr. Awesome Gal immediately said that we did not have to go that route.  Quick Decision:  I asked her to show me how the shots work.  After a very short demonstration, I gave myself what my first ever pen shot.  

Okay, so now needles will be a regular part of my life.  No big deal, right?

Then Dr. Awesome Gal hooked me up with a glucose monitor.  Operating a bit of machinery, and figuring out how to use more needles.  

Manageable, right?  RIGHT?!

She gave me another diagnosis, and discussed treatment and medication options.  No needles with this one, though.  

That’s good, right?

Lastly, Dr. Awesome Gal told me she wanted me to start walking.  Also, I was now supposed to see her (or another Dr. in my new city) every 90 days to monitor everything and adjust my treatment as needed.

I walked out of the building in a daze, and headed to my car.  I sat there for a moment and just thought.  It was one of those moments that you don’t really think of as defining or life-changing.  But that morning, I changed.  Prior to that beautiful, sunny spring morning, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky gal who did whatever she wanted.  And now, I was to calculate and measure changes within my body in a way I never thought I would have to.  I was to take medicine, use these needles, monitor my food/liquid intake, watch my blood, and get educated on exactly what diabetes even is. 

I needed a minute to collect myself. 

I looked down at the six prescriptions that I was to now fill.  I don’t go to the doctor for, well, anything.  And now I will be developing a relationship with one?  I don’t get prescriptions filled;  I try really hard to avoid even a Tylenol for my occasional headache.  But now, here they were, all six of them, staring right back at me.

I didn’t even know it, but right then I was making a decision.

I unconsciously thought about doing one of two things:  

1)  Cry, then return to work (I was still at my current job for the next two weeks) and try to figure out how to mask the fact I’d been bawling my eyes out, or 

2) Make a commitment to myself that today was the day things were going to change and I was going to be a better person, mentally and physically.  

What to do?

Option 1 didn’t sound like any fun at all.  I chose option 2, pulled into a Subway, and ordered a veggie flatbread sandwich.  I returned to work and finished out the next two weeks without saying anything to my coworkers about any health changes. 

And that was the beginning of this journey that involves living with a chronic illness.

There have been some pretty dark times.  I probably went through a brief period of depression when trying to adjust to everything.  My biggest question was always “what am I supposed to eat now?!”  Anyone who’s been on some of the same prescriptions I have will tell that it is a ride through crazytown trying to adjust.  Most days I woke up completely sick to my stomach, throwing up, or with an awesome nauseous feeling that sometimes lasted all day. 

Confession:  There are some mornings where this still happens.  This is a stupid and tricky disease, blogland.  And for 365 days, there have been more of this than I’d like to admit:

ICK.

While I am not a needle-phobe, I eagerly await the day when I am no longer taking shots.  While I know they are helping, they also have the capacity to make me incredibly ill, too.

Pills, pills, pills.  I am not the world's best organized person, so keeping up with what I'm taking and when was an unpleasant task at first.  I'm now used to it, but definitely haven't forgotten how nice my carefree days were.

Bleck!

Like I've said, I'm really glad I'm not a needle-phobe.  I firmly believe there will come a day when I don't have to poke holes in my arms and stomach.  When living with a chronic illness, you have hope.  Lots and lots of hope.

So, that's been the not-so-good stuff that's been added in my life.

BUT, there's been more of this:

Healthy food.  That's right - I've found veggies that I like!  I find myself gravitating toward fresh food, and when I walk past a vending machine, instead of wishing I magically had the .75 or 1.00 it took to buy that candy bar, instead I think about what a shame it is that there's no fruit in them instead.  Yeah, I think this.  Never in a million years did I anticipate that going through my mind.  Never.

Of course, never say never.

I've been more active.  I now walk to/from work and take part in various classes at my gym.  Zumba?  Sure!  Cardio kickboxing?  Yeah, I'll give it a try.  My next challenge will be yoga.  I'm dreading it AND excited at the same time, if that makes sense.  

These little guys are smiling.  Yeah, there have been more smiles in my life since losing weight.  I am a happier person who has built up confidence in my health and abilities.  I joined my local weight watcher and receive so much support from the men and women there.  I don't mind trying a new recipe or taking on physical challenges.  There are so many small victories that I've noticed, not just on the scales, but in my every day life.  I've shifted my entire attitude into one that is positive, hopeful, and eager for what's to come.  I'm excited about this journey, and thrilled with the simple things that weight loss has brought my attention to.  I'll speak more about that in another post. 

Of course, many of those smiles also coincide with our decision to move and change jobs, but that's also another post for another time...

Yep, April 2013 was a super busy time that contained more questions than answers.  I look back a year and am reminded that I am now in a much happier, healthier place emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  It has been an incredible year.  Normally I don't embrace change, but this past year has taught me that not all change is bad, sometimes tough stuff is needed to evaluate your surroundings in a more positive light, and so much good growth can come out of so much unknown!   Warning:  you'll probably see a few "look-back" posts this month.  I'm a bit nostalgic, and I like seeing how far I've come, and just how different things used to be.

Last, but not least:

Yep, that's right!  This gal is 50 lbs. lighter than she was exactly one year ago!  I'm well on my way and excited for the next leg in my journey to good health!  More to come!